


Shattered Glass:  A Journey

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Series: Strength to Try [9]
Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Community: thelittlebang, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:07:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Susan's journal entries in response to poetry fragments/stanzas [tanka format] that Talia has written over the course of a one-year period in which Talia struggles to regain her sanity and sense of self after she and Jason Ironheart finally defeat Control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Foreward

**Author's Note:**

> Date Written: 19 August to 10 October 2011  
> Word Count: 15359 [including 359 words of poetry]  
> Written for: [](http://ladiesbigbang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**ladiesbigbang**](http://ladiesbigbang.dreamwidth.org/) 2011  
>  Artist: [](http://jenn-calaelen.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**jenn_calaelen**](http://jenn-calaelen.dreamwidth.org/)  
>  Link to artist's artwork: [here](http://jenn-calaelen.dreamwidth.org/14160.html)  
> Series: Part of the "Strength to Try" series  
> Summary: A series of Susan's journal entries in response to poetry fragments/stanzas [tanka format] that Talia has written over the course of a one-year period in which Talia struggles to regain her sanity and sense of self after she and Jason Ironheart finally defeat Control.  
> Spoilers: Post-series, though the entirety of the Susan/Talia storyline is fair game. Wholeheartedly an AU that jinks off after "Divided Loyalties". Some things from canon still happen, some don't, some get modified.  
>  **Warning: Suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Mention of emotional/mental abuse and physical cruelty.**
> 
> Disclaimer: “Babylon 5,” the characters and situations depicted are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Productions, Warner Brothers, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. This story is in no way affiliated with "Babylon 5,” J. Michael Straczynski, the production companies, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: This is something I've actually wanted to work on for a long, long time. This particular AU for Susan and Talia is near and dear to my heart, and I've wanted to set up the entirety of their timeline. This project actually gave me the chance to actually work out that timeline, at least within the structure of what I'd already written in this series. There are parts of this project that will be expanded into larger stories at some point in the future.
> 
> While writing this project, it became increasingly clear to me that Talia will have suffered from PTSD in the aftermath of Control's reign of her life. The inclusion of Jason Ironheart could also point her toward some level of DID, as well. This project doesn't delve deeply into these ideas, but it's something that has been something of an influence in how I've written it.
> 
> Each of the sixteen poems shown in this project was written in the tanka format, so some minor pronunciation variations may occur to achieve the syllabic count required by this poem form.
> 
> Series Notes: The series title comes from the song "That's What Love Is For", from the 1988 album _Lead Me On_ by Amy Grant. The timeline I've concocted for this series came in part from information found @ [The Chronology of the Babylon 5 Universe](http://koti.phnet.fi/jarilaak/babylon5/chronology.html). That site includes information from more than just the series. Some of this worked for my timeline, particularly for things that occurred after the series ended, so I have used it. At some point, I'll post up a basic timeline of clarification for this AU.
> 
> Dedication: my muses, as always…
> 
> Beta: [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) , as always…

Foreword

Today is the sixth anniversary of the third worst day of my entire life. It is only eclipsed by the deaths of my mother and brother, but it has the same impact as those days. Six years ago today, Lyta sent the fateful password that proved Talia Winters to be Psi Corps' secret operative, Control. My relationship with her was only just beginning, and then it was taken from me in the most heinous way possible that didn't involve some sort of physical death or dismemberment. But no one knew of our relationship, not until I admitted my feelings for her to Delenn about a year after the incident.

To this day, I am still amazed by the reception Talia has received on _Babylon 5_ since she came back into my life three years ago, though it seem so much longer. People don't shy away from her as much as they used to, or stop all conversations when she walks by. Yes, there are some who still fear her, but it's nothing like it was before. Of course, the fact that she took on Psi Corps in a very public manner, and won the battle no less, has gone a long way in her favor. They still don't understand exactly how she managed to defeat Control, and she's certainly not going to casually mention that she had Ironheart's help in doing so. But she managed to get a public apology, and an agreement that any further research into things like the Control program would cease. The fact that Bester had mysteriously stepped down from his posting with Psi Corps not long before that admission seemed to indicate that they may actually have taken the agreement to heart.

We'd fallen into something of a routine over that first long year, after the initial infatuation with having her life back started to wane. Talia began talking about a change in profession, something that could utilize her abilities, but in a more altruistic manner. Clearly, she was as burned out on Psi Corps as I always have been. She and Delenn spent so many hours discussing options on and off, but nothing definitive came of it for quite some time.

While I found the first piece of poetry after our first night reunited, the bulk of the messages began appearing randomly around our quarters a few weeks after we'd defeated Control once and for all, but before we took on Psi Corps. Always on little scraps of paper, the remnants of things once considered important. At first, I didn't realize what they were. I thought perhaps she was jotting down something to explore at a later time, something she'd overheard in the public areas of the station.

The more I looked at them, the more I realized they weren't the random bits of conversation I'd initially thought them to be. No, these little snippets of imagery were incredibly profound and highly personal. I felt almost voyeuristic and wrong somehow when I would find and read them. I would always put them back where I'd found them, and waited to see if she'd ever explain what they were for. But the explanations never came.

It wasn't until after Psi Corps' public renunciation of any future research into a program like Control, fast on the heels of Alfred Bester's removal from his lofty position within their ranks, that these nuggets of insight began to appear with greater frequency.

I wanted to ask Talia about them in the worst way, but our relationship was still so new and fragile. She'd been hurt so badly by Bester's cavalier and callous treatment of her, and I didn't want to add to the injuries she was trying to heal. I held back and began writing my questions and concerns in a journal, always accompanied by the snippets I'd find and be pondering. I wasn't about to burden my partner with more than she might be able to handle. It wouldn't have been fair, and it certainly wouldn't have indicated any sort of compassion on my part.

What you are about to read in this book is what was borne of those long months during the first year of our life together, the initial, intensive reparations to the shattered glass of her psyche. The sanity snippets, as we eventually came to call them, never fully went away, but eventually she became more aware of them, more cognizant of the impact they had on her life. Nor did I include every single one of the sanity snippets in this book. There was a lot of repetition, and that can make for a potentially boring read to someone not intimately involved in the day to day reality of the situation.

It was never an easy road we traveled to get to where we are today. Every step toward normalcy was, at the same time, more difficult and easier than the last. Every fight, every shed tear, every memory evoked; each and every one of them healed some minor crack in the shattered glass of her psyche until she could become as whole and present as she was before the destruction that was Control.

If you are reading this, the woman known as Talia Winters is no longer with us, and I may or may not still be around. When I finally divulged my journal to her, Talia was the one who suggested the possibility of publishing it. I could tell she was also a bit leery of doing this, simply because it would expose so much of our personal lives and her struggle with returning to her sense of self and sanity. In the end, I promised Talia that this would not be released while she still lived, no matter how cured she felt. It's been a long journey to a sense of normalcy for the two of us, one that I'd willingly do again to keep Talia in my life.

Captain Susan Ivanova  
Commander, _Babylon 5_  
2 December 2165


	2. 25 September 2262

25 September 2262

darkness falls swiftly  
sudden and deeply obscured  
i am alone now  
never again to be free  
slave to this dominant bitch

I found this sitting on the nightstand the first morning after Talia had spent the night. We'd defeated Control. Okay, she and Jason defeated Control. I just didn't splatter her brains across my walls before Jason finally gave me the signal of their success. And yes, that morbid thought runs through my mind on a regular basis, even years after the fact. If I'm honest, it'll probably be there until the day I die.

Just knowing that she was back, that she wasn't dead, had me so damned lightheaded with relief that I still don't know how I kept from passing out. I didn't tell her I loved her that night. I wanted to, more than anything, but I held back. It would have been too much, too soon. It's the same reason we didn't sleep together that night. Well, we slept together, wrapped tightly around one another to stave off the fear that it was all just a damned dream. But sex was not involved, not for quite some time.

I have no idea where this first poem came from. We'd lain there in my bed, just talking, and kissing, and touching until deep into the night. We hadn't even bothered unpacking any of my things, outside of some bedding to sleep in. She didn't even want me to leave her for the quick two minutes it would take to use the bathroom. How -- _When_ did she have the time to write that little poem?

I've never actually received an answer to that question, and I probably never will.

 _Clarification from Talia: I don't actually know when this stanza was written. I don't even remember writing it. Jason has always been surprisingly tight-lipped about some of the stanzas written, while expounding ad nauseum about others of them. The only possible explanation for this is that it's how I felt for two and a half years while trapped within my own mind, hidden from Control's knowledge and cruelty._

 _I remember coming into John Sheridan's office, seeing Susan and Michael there. I could feel Susan's anger aimed at Lyta, turned to say something and then…_ NOTHING _. Just this empty, hollow darkness that pressed in on me from all sides. For the longest time, I didn't even know that Jason Ironheart was there with me. I didn't know what happened, only that I couldn't break free of the prison I was in. I could feel_ Her _eventually, and Jason filled in the rest for me, but even that took many months before it could happen._

 _I wanted to be free, released from the horrors of that prison that kept me from total obliteration. Jason just wasn't strong enough to free us then. It had taken considerable strength for him to keep the two of us from being destroyed when Control took over. We spent months in hiding as he rebuilt his strength._


	3. 10 October 2262

10 October 2262

corporate toadies  
stripped me of my very life  
thought to control me  
thought to destroy completely  
the talia they once knew

When this one appeared in nearly the same place about two weeks later, I was slightly less surprised to see it. By that time, Talia had moved in with me. There was no way I was willingly going to let her out of my sight, not so soon after getting her back into my life. She felt the same way about me.

But I had a station to run, and couldn't take too much time away from it. Yes, John and Delenn were visiting at the time, but he was busy with his presidency and she was busy with her first pregnancy. And so I went off to run _Babylon 5_ while Talia began spending time with Delenn. The topic of their conversations was never fully revealed to me; this only occasionally has bothered me over the years.

That this snippet showed up as she began discussing her desire to retaliate against Alfred Bester and Psi Corps seemed more than coincidental to me, especially in hindsight. But those hindsight revelations wouldn't come to me for quite some time yet.

 _Clarification from Talia: Susan's right about this being a bit more obvious in its origins. I do remember writing this one, actually. I don't remember a lot of them being written over those early years. But this one was all me. I don't remember setting it on the bedside table, but when Susan never asked about it, I just put it away in my box of scraps. Eventually all of my bits of unconscious poetry made their way into that box, even some that Susan has never seen. She and I have shared many things over the years, including much of the contents of that box, but there are still poem fragments that she may never see._


	4. 17 December 2262

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning: This chapter contains suicidal thoughts and self-harm, as well as mention of emotional/mental abuse and physical cruelty.**

17 December 2262

hidden underneath  
shielded by a safety net  
jason's sacrifice  
never completely repaid  
never to be forgotten

I remember coming home to find this one on the bathroom counter. We'd been living together for nearly three months by that point. It had been a long day of fighting with Elizabeth Lochley over her damned ship docking at _Babylon 5_ to take on supplies, among other things. It was the kind of day when I fervently wished that someone else was in charge. I wanted nothing more than a hot shower, a good meal, and a night spent wrapped in Talia's arms.

Little did I realize that my night would get longer and even more exhausting than I'd feared. Stepping out of the shower, I puzzled over the fragment again and went to change into something more comfortable before going to gather Talia from John and Delenn's quarters.

Until the day I die, I will regret the lapse in judgment that precluded me from seeing what I should have from the moment I stepped into the room. The tiniest whimper finally caught my attention and led me to the closet. I found Talia there, curled up in a tight ball and hidden beneath a blanket. She barely moved, barely breathed, and yet that tiny whimper betrayed her to me.

No, betrayed is the wrong word; far too negative a connotation for what happened. I think some small part of her, perhaps based on encouragement from Jason himself, knew that I was safe; some part of her must have known that I would help to keep her safe from the memories and the nightmares.

When I lifted the blanket, her eyes were squeezed tightly shut, tears running unhindered down her cheeks. The sight of my Talia, my strong Talia, reduced to such fear and panic nearly stopped my heart. I carefully knelt next to her, moving slowly, whispering softly, until she finally opened her eyes to look at me. It took several more moments before she would allow me to touch her, but I patiently waited and kept offering her reassurances.

Once she let me touch her, clinging to me desperately, I noticed the blood dried on her forearms. It felt like my entire world had stopped in that time between one heartbeat and the next. Whatever else may have been running through my mind has been lost to time, but I will never forget the sight of those small, shallow cuts running along the inside of both forearms. None was deep enough to cause any permanent physical damage, but the psychological and emotional damage was irrevocable.

I cajoled her into the bathroom, gently cleaned and bandaged her wounds, and fought my own panic at the situation. I'd learned enough from Stephen Franklin to know that she didn't _need_ to see him for these wounds. All that would do was open up a can of worms that neither of us was ready to deal with just yet. Thankfully, Talia was prone to wearing long sleeved shirts, so her wounds would be hidden from view until they fully healed. If we were lucky, there'd be no physical scarring to remind either of us of this night.

I'd intended to call off our dinner with John and Delenn, but Talia insisted we still go through with it. As much as I wanted to say no, I let myself trust her judgment in this. Thankfully, Delenn realized something was going on the minute she stepped into our quarters, and Talia immediately led her to the couch for a long discussion while John and I were relegated to cooking dinner yet again. When Talia pushed up her sleeves to reveal the bandages to Delenn, it was obvious that John also noticed. He and I had a more restrained conversation than our respective partners about finding someone trustworthy for her therapy.

It was that night that I finally understood that something was horribly wrong, and I had no idea of how to fix it. It was also that night that we decided that some sort of therapy was the only course of action to take next.

 _Clarification from Talia: How to describe the moment where I lost all sense of reality and fell back into the fear that Control was coming for me? Not even Jason's considerable strength could hold back the flood of fear and pain I felt that day. How do I explain the bone- deep fear of being lost to_ Her _again? The fear of_ Her _presence, of_ Her _control, was so real; I'd sooner have died than fall into that prison in my mind again._

 _I don't even know where I found that piece of broken glass, but it served its purpose. What began as me trying to end my life -- thwarted by fear of the pain and blood -- ended up as a small cut for each month I'd been imprisoned within my mind. Thirty lines adorned my forearms before the panic set in of what Susan would think when she found me. If it hadn't been for Susan, for Jason finally realizing what was happening, I don't know how much further I'd have gone. Yes, Jason was regenerating himself and didn't know what I was doing until it was nearly too late._

 _As I sat there in that closet, relishing the imagined safety of being under the blanket, I felt the splintering of my sanity again. If I'm completely honest with myself, my sanity splintered with each small cut. Deeper cuts might have eased the pain, but I feared the pain at the same time. What I'd thought reformed when Control was vanquished had been but illusion. Once he realized what was happening, Jason kept trying to calm me in my mind, but I couldn't let go of my fear to trust him. Susan's sudden presence only made things worse at first._

 _Eventually, their combined efforts prevailed and Susan was able to coax me out of the closet. Susan got me into the bathroom and cleaned me up; I could feel her fear and worry so strongly across the bond we'd been building those first few months; it was enough to shame me for what I'd nearly done. I remember wanting nothing more than to sleep, held safely in her arms, but she wanted me to eat something first. She also wanted to cancel our dinner date with John and Delenn, but I instinctively knew that canceling would raise a red flag with Delenn. I felt foolish for it, but I couldn't let Susan out of my sight long enough to make our meal with John, and so I sat on the couch to watch her. As soon as they arrived, I pulled Delenn beside me to talk. I hadn’t initially intended to show her what happened, but I couldn't help myself. She and John were the only people I really felt I could trust, outside of Susan and Jason. John's palpable alarm at seeing the bandages was a shock of cold water to my psyche, and really made the reality of what I'd done sink in._

 _While we ate our simple meal of spaghetti and salad, conversation was a bit stilted. It was John who first approached the topic of therapy. He'd suggested Lyta Alexander, but backed down when I lifted the table a couple of inches and let it drop again. Clearly I still blamed her for the whole Control situation, regardless of the fact that she didn't do it intentionally. It was too soon to even consider coming near the woman again, but I finally agreed to talk to Stephen and let him suggest someone trustworthy to speak with. But I would still discuss things with Delenn in a far less official capacity. To this day, I still cannot fathom how I will ever repay her for her patience and acceptance of me, even with all of my emotional minefield baggage._

 _Looking back, I can see that this was, in part, directly related to my very public attack on Psi Corps and Bester for what they'd done to me with Control. How couldn't I fear that they'd programmed me with more than one of these damned sleeper programs? I'd have sooner died than go through that hell again._

Additional note from Susan: In light of this specific situation, I began keeping my thoughts and questions in a journal, alongside the scraps of poetry Talia left out for me to find. From this point on, anything written from my point of view in this book is taken directly from that journal.


	5. 7 January 2263

7 January 2263

fractured images  
bits of the real world sneak in  
she's using my name  
no one cares to see the clues  
Control is not Talia

She's doing better with her therapy, I see. And thank goodness I finally convinced her to go with therapy. Okay, so maybe John and Delenn helped with convincing her, but I don't care. All that matters is that Talia is getting the help she needs to get better, the help that Jason and I can't quite provide.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if she'd been able to hide that breakdown of hers from me. I hesitate to call it a suicide attempt, mainly because of the implications of what could have happened. I wish I would have realized sooner that she was having such a difficult time adjusting. I really have been thinking that she's been doing well. Clearly she'd even fooled Jason, or he'd have alerted me, I'm sure.

As we gather more evidence in the battle against Psi Corps and Bester, I am seeing the effects on Talia more clearly. Part of me wishes we didn't have to do this at all, if only to spare her this anguish and fear. An even bigger part of me wishes that none of this had ever happened.

There are still days that I want to wring Lyta Alexander's neck for pushing the point about the Control program. If it hadn't been for her, who knows how much longer Talia and I would have had together before all hell broke loose? Maybe Control would never have been activated, and we'd have been living a wonderful life together all this time.

But on the other hand, what if we'd begun an actual relationship, lived it for months or years, and then Control suddenly came along? As much as I hated how I felt when Control actually appeared, I think I would have hated it more if I'd had so many more memories with Talia when it happened. What if we'd had children?

Children… That's such a big step for us. But Talia's so happy when she spends time with Delenn. I can see it in her eyes after they visit. I think she wants to have children, but is afraid of that very possibility because of the damage that Control has wreaked on her.

 _Clarification from Talia: Susan's right about the emotional strain being greater when we worked more on the case against Psi Corps, made harder by having to work so closely with Lyta Alexander and her sources. I just wanted it over with. Even if I didn't win, I wanted it over with, once and for all. I knew, even then, that I couldn't fully heal until that case was resolved. It was difficult to explain that to Susan, and I often would try to mask the worst of my panic attacks and flashbacks from her. Jason always told me how wrong I was to do that, but he never warned Susan unless things truly got out of hand. Sometimes I wonder if that was the best course of action or not. I wish that things could have been different, easier than they were, but that would mean that Susan and I might not have had the depths of our relationship._

 _If memory serves correctly, this was about the time Delenn started suggesting that Susan and I start developing our psychic connection with each other more blatantly. We'd been kind of toying with it up to that point, but nothing was really very focused because of Susan's ingrained distrust of sharing the knowledge of her latent abilities with anyone. Looking back now, so many years later, it's clear that Delenn could see what was going on in my head -- long before my pitiful attempt at suicide -- and wanted to give me another avenue of detection and protection. When I first realized that she knew just how badly things were affecting me, I was afraid she'd tell Susan, that it would ruin our relationship. I still don't know why Delenn agreed to my request -- no, it was an outright demand -- for her silence back then. Perhaps things would have been different if she had pushed her own point on the subject. I think she only backed down when I commented on our conversations taking on aspects of therapy, which meant she was breaking a confidence by telling Susan._

 _To this day, I regret forcing Delenn into that position. It's a perfect example of why one shouldn't be friends with their therapist. She was only doing what she felt was best for a friend._


	6. 28 January 2263

28 January 2263

the corps is mother  
childhood a long gone mem'ry  
the corps is father  
no family save Psi Corps  
Psi is thicker than water

We won.

WE WON!

When faced with the evidence of that rat bastard Bester's secret experiments with the Control program, including the fact that he had all of the other test subjects killed for being less than optimal, Psi Corps crumbled in the face of our demands. I'm not sure how Talia and Lyta found out that vital bit of information that really put the nail in Bester's coffin, but I really don't give a damn anymore. All that matters is that we won, and that bastard has been removed from his position, pending an internal trial.

What makes things even sweeter is that Psi Corps was able to get copies of all of his files, public _and_ secret, before he could even attempt to wipe them clean. Oh yes, he knew exactly what was going to happen, and he wanted to cover his tracks. In his place, I'd want to do the same thing. Then again, I wouldn't have left that evidence where it could still be ferreted out by Psi Corps, but I don't have that insane megalomaniac complex he had. The secret experiments really don't surprise me anymore, not after some of the things Lyta, Talia, and Jason have told me. And I'm thrilled that he couldn't delete the evidence of his wrongdoing sooner. I wish I could have been there to see the look on his face when they informed him that they already had all of his files.

John and Delenn made the trip with us for the final confrontation and resolution. Despite each being busy in their own right, they took the time to join me in support of my beloved Talia. I think I might have hurt John's hand from squeezing it so tightly while we waited for the final verdict today. I still don't know how I managed to keep from kissing Talia right then and there when they announced our victory. Probably the fact that the whole thing was being broadcast live. But the minute we were alone and out of the public eye, I did kiss her. Repeatedly. And often.

Today will go down as a truly historic event for most people, as it should. For me, it will be the first day of truly getting back the woman I love more than anything. Today definitely ties with the day we defeated Control as a good day in our relationship.

 _Clarification from Talia: To my dying day, I don't think I'll ever forget just how I felt when the judge declared that Psi Corps was choosing to forego the rest of the trial to settle with me out of court. The money didn't mean a damned thing. The fact that they admitted to wrongdoing on Bester's part, and on their part for not controlling his endeavors more closely,_ that _is what meant the most to me. Well, that and Bester being removed from his position. Oh, I know what the broadcasts and the news sources all said about it. Psi Corps wasn't stupid, and they wanted to save face in a time when they knew they were becoming rather obsolete in the eyes of the public._

 _Knowing that Alfred Bester would never again be able to run his secret experiments on other people to support his insane agenda made all of the pain and lost time… No, it wasn't worth the pain and lost time in my life that I'd never get back. Knowing that he was caught and couldn't do it anymore made me feel vindicated. It allowed me the opportunity to really start trying to heal. And when I found out that Psi Corps convicted him, and put him in the newly re-designed Teep hospital on Mars? The site where so many of his illegal and deadly experiments took place? Justice had finally been served. Learning of the constant use of sleepers was a source of vindication for Susan, too._

 _The demons could finally start being laid to rest, for both of us._

 _It couldn't have come at a better time. Well, yes, it could have, but we can't change the past, can we?_


	7. 12 February 2263

12 February 2263

walk into the light  
jason guides everywhere  
takes over to save  
fear of Control's detection  
fear that she'll destroy us both

I actually watched Talia compose this today. She was sitting at the desk, reading some of the follow up of our case against Psi Corps. In fact, I think it was a piece on Bester's early months in that Teep hospital on Mars. I was making dinner, my eyes randomly moving to just watch her. We beat Psi Corp, we beat Bester, and I had my Talia back. Well, she was working diligently in her therapy to come back to me as fully as possible.

Some little movement caught my eye and I stood there, mesmerized, as she did it. Still clearly reading the article, she reached to her left and snagged a piece of paper. I still can't figure out how the pen ended up in her hand. Her eyes never left the screen, but her pen was a blur on the paper. And when she finished writing, the pen went back to its previous spot, while the paper was pushed just out of her eyesight. Never once did her eyes flicker to that paper. When the newsfeed was finished, she picked up her journal and started jotting things down. That scrap of paper was right there, but she acted as if it didn't exist.

I should have asked her about it, but she seemed so much calmer, so much more like the Talia I'd first fallen in love with. Is it wrong that I didn't want to jinx the happiness that's been settling over our lives so recently?

There have been a lot of those little sanity snippets, as I've come to call them, like this one in the last month or so since we defeated Bester and Psi Corps. I haven't listed all of them in this journal, simply because they're ways for Talia to deal with her life. And how many days can I honestly keep saying "She's making progress, but can't seem to get past this one point"? Because this one point is the crux of it all. How is she supposed to heal and move on with her life when she can't let go of such a visceral set of memories as was her time under Control's iron fisted reign.

How do we get past this? _Can_ we get past this? I have to believe that we can, or I'll succumb to a depression that could very well kill the two of us. But I can't do that, not to me and certainly not to Talia. I cannot add to her anxiety like that, I have to be the strong one for her. She needs me to be her support, her wellspring of solidity.

I only hope I never let her down…

 _Clarification from Talia: Looking back now, I wish Susan_ would _have asked me about the poem fragments. There have been so many times over the years that these have been written, and I have no recollection of doing them. I remember whatever else I'm doing when they happen, but not the poems themselves. Jason has sworn repeatedly that he never wrote them, never forced me to write them. At yet, they always appeared, didn't they? If they'd been a different topic, or a different angle to the situation I was living, I'd almost have wondered if Control and I hadn't switched positions. What a nightmare that would be…_

 _While I fully understand where Susan was coming from, no matter what happens in my life, I will never be able to fully move past the Control "incident". It would be like asking her to completely move past the deaths of her mother or her brother. Yes, she can cope with them much more easily now, but she cannot completely forget them. Nor will I ever be able to completely forget Control. If there were a way to do it, I'm sure Jason would have done it for me. Then again, he might not have, simply because everyone else would remember it and relationships would be colored by that._

 _Despite all our wishes, there is no quick and simple answer, just as there is no quick and simple cure._

 _If wishes were horses and all…_


	8. 4 March 2263

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning: This chapter contains mention of emotional/mental abuse and physical cruelty.**

4 March 2263

jason isn't real  
dead men don't live in your mind  
Control isn't real  
programs can't be sentient  
Psi Corps is testing your will

I wish I could say that I was surprised to see this sanity snippet today. Lyta came to my office today to say that they'd found another of Bester's Control experimentees that had slipped through the cracks. When her operative found the young woman in a facility on Earth, she was nearly catatonic. But just the mere sight of another former Psi Corps member was enough to set her off in a murderous rage. In the end, the operative watched as the guardians of the facility let the young woman kill herself in her rage, bashing her brains out against the wall.

Talia was there when the operative reported to Lyta. It wasn't until after their meeting had finished that Lyta even realized that it might not be the best thing for Talia to hear. She immediately came to inform me of the situation, which brought her up in my estimation once again. At this point, it's been long enough that I can understand why she did what she had to nearly three years ago. I still don't like it, but it wasn't her fault, no matter how much I've blamed her in the past.

Psi Corps does things to its people that the rest of us can only guess at. And I, for one, don't want to have to guess at what worse things they could have done that would make the Control program pale by comparison.

When I got home, Talia was visibly shaken by the news, but didn't want me to coddle her over it. She admitted to briefly contemplating suicide again, which scared the hell out of me. But she also said that she'd immediately left to try to talk to Robin about it, and they had an emergency session to get over the worst of it. Talia reassured me that she was no longer feeling that need to release the pain; Jason even voiced his verification of Talia's words, which helped ease the tight bands of fear around my chest.

We had dinner with Delenn, since John was back on Earth to deal with presidential issues. Delenn's getting far enough along in her pregnancy that the travel is causing more issues than it's worth, so she's been spending a lot more time with us. Her calming presence helped Talia regroup and center herself again. I will forever be grateful to Delenn for the bond of friendship she's developed with Talia.

Right now, Talia is lying next to me, deeply asleep. I should be asleep, too, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to watch her, make sure she's safe from the nightmares that are sure to come. After dinner tonight, we came home and talked over a bottle of wine, nothing of consequence. I knew she was trying to deflect any sort of serious discussion, but the tension was creating a tightness around her eyes and mouth that I will always hate for marring her calm.

The wine did help to ease her tension minimally, and I found myself massaging her scalp, neck, and shoulders. It apparently worked wonders, particularly when I heard her softly sniffling the longer the massage went on. After I loosened a particularly evil knot in her shoulder, something changed. Talia turned around and branded me with a kiss that took me completely by surprise. She was driven, said she wanted to forget for just a little bit. Our lovemaking tonight was so intense; Talia was dominant and feral, marking me with lips, teeth, and nails. She didn't stop until she'd worn herself out from the exertion and multiple orgasms.

I'm honestly not sure how I'm still awake right now, but I need to be. I need to make sure that Talia's all right tonight. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow, so I can rest then, though I'm not holding my breath about having the whole day off with Talia. I still don't know how John and Delenn dealt with all of the little emergencies that cropped up on this station when he was in command. Or maybe it's changed since he took over as President. I'm not sure.

 _Clarification from Talia: I was shaken to my core by the news that day, but not necessarily for the reasons Susan may have thought. Yes, the thought that some incompatibility with the Control program would cause people to become homicidally violent is terrifying at best. The thought that someone would stand aside and let another human being beat themselves into a bloody pulp before a horrific and painful death cuts so deeply. Control had that sort of attitude; I felt it when She was in control of this body that we'd shared._

 _I know that Jason shielded me from a lot of what Control said and did, but there were times even he needed to rest and regenerate his abilities. Snippets of_ Her _use of my life and body filtered in. Maybe filtered is the wrong word. It wasn't like I could block them myself._ She _had no conscience, no compassion. _She_ gave me nightmares that I don't think will ever completely go away, not even when I die._ She _would interrogate someone, usually about the Underground Railroad rebellion, and there were several instances where_ Her _interrogation was blatant torture._ She _would find people to assist_ Her _that had even fewer moral convictions than_ She _had, which terrifies me to this day. They would beat, torture, and even rape their prisoners. I would love to call those people something else but, at the heart of it all, they were_ Her _prisoners. Or maybe Psi Corps' prisoners. I've never really been sure of that distinction, and I'm not sure that I care to get a confirmation either way. I have enough issues with Psi Corps to deal with the idea that they willingly allowed and encouraged torture of prisoners. That might just push me completely over the edge, even now._

 _Hearing about the death of that young woman who never even knew she was a pawn to Bester's perverted experiments was difficult to hear. That there wasn't any compassion for her by her guardians hurt even more. If it hadn't been for Jason, I'd have potentially been in the same position as she'd been forced into. I know now that his presence within me is the only thing that saved me from being completely obliterated when Lyta sent that fateful codeword to unlock Control._

 _And yes, I was feeling that same trapped sensation as I had when I'd attempted suicide just a few short months earlier. I felt panicky and didn't know where to turn. I didn't want to burden Susan or Delenn with something that I knew I'd need to just get over. And how stupid does that sound? You can't just get over something like what happened to me, not in a few months, maybe not even in a lifetime. Before I could do anything rash or drastic, I walked myself over to Robin's office. Thankfully, she was available to talk to me, and got me through the worst of the panic attack over the situation. The need for release definitely lessened, but I couldn't completely forget what I had been told either._

 _As for our lovemaking that night, I'd love to say that Susan's assessment of me being feral in my possession of her was an exaggeration, but I can't. I needed to feel something other than fear and revulsion; I needed to know that I could control something in my life that was good. And so, I took a more forceful, dominant role in our lovemaking. I can only thank God that I didn't permanently mark her that night._


	9. 19 March 2263

19 March 2263

on babylon 5  
susan still prowls corridors  
fate brought her to me  
Control slept deeply within  
jason guarded as we spoke

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I saw Talia again after the whole fiasco of losing her to Control. Sometimes, for just a few brief moments, I can forget the hell that we went through while separated. In those moments, I can believe that we've always been together, that Control was just a horrible nightmare shared by virtue of my latent telepathy. And then reality sets back in, and I am reminded that we both suffered under Control's sociopathic tyranny. Talia certainly suffered more than I did, and I will never deny that.

This anniversary is a strong reminder that there are only six more months until the anniversary of the day I got Talia back into my life for good. I don't even care that Jason came in a strange sort of package deal; if it weren't for him, I'd never have gotten my Talia back. This isn't the relationship I'd expected, but I accept it. For the most part, Jason is silently observant in the background, or so Talia tells me. He hasn't conversed with me more than a handful of times since Control's defeat. Mostly, he's become my early warning system for Talia's emotional backslides. I know that they have many internal conversations that I am not privy to. I was jealous of that bond initially, of my Talia sharing these things with him instead of me, but he was with her the entire time and saved her from complete obliteration. I cannot, in good faith, hold their bond against either of them; it was born of necessity and survival.

 _Clarification from Talia: I woke up that morning from a vivid dream. I suppose it was more memory than dream, but it definitely had that dream-like quality. I was reliving that first meeting with Susan again after_ She _usurped my autonomy. Even when it was actually happening, I kept thinking it was some sort of game that Control and Psi Corps were playing. Despite Jason's reassurances to the contrary, I was determined that_ She _knew about us -- about Jason and me, about Susan and me -- and was toying with me. It was the only reason I could think of initially to explain why I was getting more time of full body awareness; I didn't consider that Jason was orchestrating the initial phases of his takeover plan. I should have realized what Jason was doing, but I was afraid. What if Control found out and truly did kill me and Jason for good? It was a terrifying prospect, to say the least._

 _But seeing Susan was a greater balm to my soul than I'd ever thought possible. I wasn't planning to speak to her initially. I just wanted to see her, to drink in her quiet beauty. And then I decided to take a risk, particularly if Control and Psi Corps were indeed playing with me and my sanity. What other reason would Control have had to come to Babylon 5 after all that time had passed? I didn't think of the consequences of what I was doing, I just needed to see her, speak to her, one last time. She was understandably standoffish; I would have been if our places had been reversed. No, I'd have slapped her, or called security on her. But she did neither; she simply put on that stoic face and said nothing. It wasn't until I'd kissed her, sent her a tentative telepathic message, that she let down her walls a bit for me._

 _To this day, I will cherish the memory of Susan lowering her shields to allow me in for that far too brief kiss that day. I knew with that single action that I had a reason to defeat that bitch Control and take back my body and my life. I would have Susan back or die in the attempt. That was all that mattered at that point. I didn't even have the desire for revenge against Bester and Psi Corps yet. That would come later._


	10. 28 March 2263

28 March 2263

jason's promises  
never broken but the once  
death instead of life  
special circumstances meant  
he and i could never part

The only information I have about how Jason and Talia became so intertwined is what they've shared with me. From what I understand, he hadn't intended to pour his entire consciousness into her as a separate identity; he'd only meant to share the gift of his enhancements with her. I know that I sound like a broken recording because I say this so damned often but, if it weren't for Jason Ironheart's presence, I never would have gotten Talia back in my life. I can never repay him for that, not if I have a thousand lifetimes to make the attempt. They share a bond I can never break, nor would I ever want to. Jason's presence helps when Talia's sanity is in jeopardy; he has soothed and protected her for so many years now.

Sometimes I can feel it when he's more present within her, but normally I can't. Thankfully, he has never been much of a voyeur when we are sharing the intimacy of our relationship. And I'm not just talking about the physical intimacies. With time, the telepathic connection between us has grown stronger, and we don't need actual touches to use it. Perhaps that's somehow related to my own latent telepathy, I don't know. Honestly, I don't care _how_ it happens; I only care that it does happen for us. As time passes, and we grow closer, there are very few thoughts that I hide from her purposefully. I know that there are a great number of things she hides from me, but that's understandable, given what she's been through.

Delenn has even mentioned how much more at peace I am since Talia's come back into my life. I can't deny the veracity of her observation. Having Talia back, having her so close, has restored my faith in love. Oh hell, I never expected that I'd become such a romantic sap, but it's what she's brought out in me, and I won't fight it.

 _Clarification from Talia: Susan's right about one thing: Jason never intended to share consciousness with me when he used the last of his dying energy to transfer his enhanced gifts to me. If he did, he's lied and kept it from me for many years now. But it doesn't matter. He's here and I owe him my life. That should be all that matters._

 _In those first dark months before I knew fully what had happened with Control, I didn't know he was there. I hid in my tiny dark corner, gibbering incoherently and trying to figure out what was going on. I think he was subsumed into an equally tiny dark corner of my mind, as well. To this day, that is still such a strange thing to say. I retained my mind, my memories, but I didn't have control of my entire mind or my body. Does that really sound as insane as I think it does?_

 _To be entirely fair, before that whole debacle with Control, I never knew that Jason had been transferred into my mind. I'd always just assumed that he'd given me his gifts and died. So, understandably, the first time I heard him talking to me as I cowered in that dark little prison cell corner of my mind, I thought I'd completely and utterly lost my sanity. I swore that it was some Psi Corps trick to get me to divulge information I didn't have on the Underground Railroad, and I refused to speak to him for the longest time. Or what seemed like the longest time, considering that time really had no meaning in my mind at that time. But Jason was patient with me, kept talking to me until I finally had to take the chance and just believe that it was him._

 _We were, and still are, both so grateful that I did take that chance._


	11. 19 April 2263

19 April 2263

how can we succeed  
when the odds overwhelm us?  
is it insanity  
to even consider this?  
if we lose, she'll destroy us.

As I was finishing up in my office for the day, since one can never fully be done with one's work when one is the commander of _Babylon 5_ , I was surprised to see Lennier waiting outside my office. His smile was tighter than I would prefer as he reminded me of our dinner date with Delenn and John. When he confirmed my suspicion that Talia was already in their quarters, and had been there most of the day, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the worst.

I stopped off at our quarters to take a quick shower and change out of my uniform. God, but I love the time I can spend away from C&C, shedding that uniform like an unwanted skin. It was then that I found today's sanity snippet, and understood the tightness to Lennier's smile. A quick reminder of the date was all I needed to realize that we were coming up on the one year anniversary of that fateful day she and Jason finally defeated Control; not that I could ever truly forget that date myself. Of _course_ , she's having anxiety and panic attacks at the memories.

When I first arrived at their quarters, John greeted me at the door to quiet me before we headed into his bedroom. I was a little uncomfortable at what I might find there, but trusted and followed him. Delenn was sitting up in bed, eyes closed but not asleep, and kept gently stroking Talia's hair. My beloved was sprawled out next to her, head pressed against the obvious bulge of Delenn's pregnant stomach, fast asleep.

We watched them for a few moments, and I fought the urge to go curl up behind her, keep her physically safe when I clearly couldn't keep her emotionally safe. In the end, I followed John back out of the room to help him make dinner, leaving our respective partners behind. We had a long talk while making dinner, something I've been missing with him gone so much back on earth doing his presidential duties. He told me that he's planning to start staying on the station more as Delenn's due date approaches. I know exactly what he was offering me with that information, and I am grateful to him. There aren't many people that I can count on as a good friend. I've missed having him and Garibaldi around on a regular basis.

When Talia finally woke up and exited the bedroom, she helped Delenn to the couch and then sheepishly wrapped herself around me for a quick kiss and an extended hug. She retreated to the couch, hand resting on Delenn's stomach, until John and I finished preparing the food. Dinner tonight was more subdued than normal, but not uncomfortably so. I found myself touching Talia more than I normally do, if only to reassure her that I'm still here and she's safe.

Once we got back to our own quarters, the frequent touching continued as we prepared for bed. Talia molded her body to my side, and I simply held her close, not wanting to let go ever again. We talked for a while, mostly about Delenn and her pregnancy, safe topics that wouldn't trigger her anxiety too much. Eventually, she nodded off to sleep before me. I lay awake most of the night, just holding her and stroking her hair and back, keeping her as safe as I possibly can.

 _Confirmation from Talia: Days like this happened a lot in the first couple of years after Control. It would just get so overwhelming and I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Thank God for Delenn and her limitless patience. I showed up at her quarters not long after Susan left for her office. I just couldn't stop the fear, the twitching, from happening. She listened and never judged me. She let me vent out my frustrations and fears until I cried myself out. She often became the sounding board I needed when I couldn't get to Robin for professional assistance. I probably pushed the boundaries of our friendship too much, especially in that first couple of years, but Delenn has repeatedly reassured me that I did no such thing. Her patience and compassion are a benchmark against which I measure myself daily; perhaps one day, I'll actually match her._


	12. 25 May 2263

25 May 2263

susan, my susan  
what will come of us after  
this epic battle  
for final domination  
of this body that was mine?

Last night, at nearly 2300, Delenn gave birth to a son. She and John named him David Jason, after John's great-grandfather and Jason Ironheart. Delenn had specifically requested Talia to be present at the birth, stating that she'd be calmer with Talia there. This, of course, prompted to John to order me to be there to help _him_ stay calm for Delenn. God forbid he not have something that she has.

This was the first birth I've ever been witness to. When I was a child, a part of me always assumed I'd one day have children that my parents could dote over, especially my mother. That changed when she started taking the Sleepers. Maybe it was after she'd been taking them for a while, I'm not sure anymore, but I know that my desire to have children definitely died with her. There was no way in hell that I'd allow any child of mine to suffer what my mother suffered on a daily basis, thanks to Psi Corps and their brutish tactics regarding non-complying telepaths.

But watching Delenn as her labor progressed, even feeling a bit of the psychic spillover that she and Talia tried to contain, fascinated me. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't transposed Talia's face over Delenn's on at least one occasion. I don't know that I could go through with a pregnancy and delivery, not while running _Babylon 5_ , but I'd be more than willing to share the experience with Talia, should she ever choose to have a child.

Okay, it's time for me to be honest here. I want to have children with Talia. I want to see her body swell with pregnancy as our child grows within. I want to spend entire nights doing nothing but touching her stomach and talking to the child growing, coaxing him or her to kick. I want to see Talia's face glowing with pride and love for our unborn child. I want people to tell me to stop smiling about said impending child, because my happiness is freaking them out. What? I can admit to the perverse delight it would cause me to make others nervous because I wasn't being my usual surly self.

We haven't discussed children much. Well, we've had plenty of discussions about Delenn's pregnancy, but we've always ignored the elephant in the room. It's only been eight months since she and Jason defeated Control, and Talia's still not one hundred percent back to her old self. In some ways, I suppose we've been incubating a baby of our own these past eight months; I just have no idea what the gestation period is in a situation like this. I know that it will take much longer than even a single year for Talia to feel totally comfortable in her own mind again, mostly likely the rest of her life. And I'm okay with that. I get frustrated and angry, yes, but that's not aimed at Talia. All of the animosity I feel about this whole situation is aimed squarely at that rat bastard Bester, for creating the Control program in the first place, and at Psi Corps, for allowing him such free rein to do whatever the hell he wanted without suffering any consequences until it was too late.

Talia looked more beautiful than I can remember as she held David for the first time. He gripped a lock of her hair tightly in his little fist, anchoring himself to the other woman that had been there practically his entire life up to that point. She had tears in her eyes as she cuddled and talked to him. John was busy giving Delenn congratulatory kisses, so they both completely missed the transcendent beauty that was Talia's face in those precious moments as she and David first bonded. I moved to wrap myself around Talia from behind, chin resting on her shoulder, and let her introduce me to the little man that had already claimed her heart.

Talia eventually talked me into holding little David, and she stood behind me, just as I'd done with her. As clichéd as it sounds, I felt such a sense of peace as we stood there, bonding with this baby that was already wrapping our hearts around his little fingers. Something changed in us last night, something for the better.

 _Confirmation from Talia: I was taken aback when Delenn and John announced David's full name, stating that if it hadn't been for Jason Ironheart, I wouldn't have come back into their lives. I distinctly remember arguing with them about that, as I was so unwilling to accept that I could possibly mean so much to them in such a short period of time, especially with all of the emotional turmoil I introduced into their lives. Jason was also quite stunned by their decision, and added his own arguments to my own as I tried to reason with Delenn over this. She finally ended the discussion by saying that I was just as integral to David's life as she and John were, and that it was her choice as his mother what his name would be. She also said that one day I would be more able to understand her choice. It took the better part of a year before I would fully understand and accept what she'd done that day. How could I possibly ever consider ending my life again, knowing that it would tear that little boy's whole world apart as surely as if his own parents had died?_

 _Delenn is a shrewd and intelligent woman; she knew exactly what she was doing that day when she announced her son's name. When Susan gave me her journal to read the words within, I found this entry of hers and was immediately transported back to that night. I'd been with Delenn all day long. She hadn't wanted to inform John of her labor pains until she was certain the baby was finally coming. By the time he knew, she was quite far into the delivery process. She'd told me weeks earlier that she and John discussed my presence at the delivery, and that John had requested Susan to be his support. I was glad that Susan was going to be there, too. I needed her strength, her love, to keep me grounded and present for Delenn and the baby._

 _When John placed David in my arms for the first time, I nearly dropped him. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I'd never held a baby before, and was terrified of that squirming little bundle in my arms. But there was something there, some piece of the puzzle that fell into place in my soul. I don't think I could be any closer to a baby I hadn't borne myself. And I felt an intense desire to hold my own child like that one day, my and Susan's child. I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew it_ would _happen in my lifetime, no matter the cost. It became the goal for the recovery I was undergoing._


	13. 17 June 2263

17 June 2263

what of my wishes?  
i am not the one to say.  
and if we should lose,  
Control will kill her, as well.  
no one who knows will be safe.

Today is Talia's thirty-third birthday. She's been having some issues with the fact that she completely missed two birthdays, thanks to Control. She somehow left another sanity snippet by the bed last night while I was sleeping. I know she still fears that her life is nothing more than a dream or a horrible trick being played on her by Control or Psi Corps. That fear gets worse whenever something special comes up, including her birthday. I wish I could take away that fear of hers, prove to her that this is no dream, no trick of the mind. I have to believe that time and my continued professions of love will replace that fear.

I've been up since 0500, preparing all of her favorite foods. I plan to make sure that she wakes up this morning to breakfast in bed and a single red rose. She already said she didn't want any gifts, as birthdays just don't mean the same thing anymore since Control. I do have something for her to open later on tonight. Well, there's a gift for her to open with John, Delenn, and David present, and another that is meant to be between just the two of us.

I wish more than anything else that I could take away all of the horror still locked in her mind in the aftermath of Control's reign of terror. And I know Jason feels the same way. Hell, we all wish we could do it. She deserves better than the treatment she's received, that's for sure, and I've made it my goal in life to make sure that I treat her like the precious gift she's become to me. Well, that's one of my goals, anyway.

***

The party was a rousing success. You have no idea how hard it was to keep it relatively secret from Talia. Delenn's been distracted by adjusting to life with little David, but she's also been a wonderful distraction for Talia. They've been spending more time together since David was born, and I know it's going to continue once John heads back to Earth for a couple of months.

Hopefully, he'll bring Garibaldi back the next time he returns to _Babylon 5_ , but I'm not holding my breath. I miss having the two of them around to talk to, but I know that he's been busy with his own life back on Earth. John even mentioned that he thinks Garibaldi's seeing someone now. And I'm happy for him. I know he's been having some issues with Talia's return and her relationship with me. I don't like that he's pulled away, but I can understand it. I'm sure I'd feel the same way if our places were reversed.

But back to the party… Talia knew we were having dinner with John and Delenn for her birthday, just a quiet meal at their quarters. I think she may have suspected something more to it, but if she never said anything if she did. John found a beautifully illustrated copy of _Winnie the Pooh_ for her on Earth. He said he got the idea from hearing her tell Delenn one night about how much she was looking forward to telling David the story once he was born, that it had been her favorite book from before she'd been adopted into Psi Corps. She did her best to keep from crying at that explanation, but the next gift from John and Delenn destroyed any willpower she might have had against the tears.

They announced that Talia and I would be godparents to little David.

To say that I was floored is a huge understatement; Talia was downright speechless. Delenn immediately warned us that any attempts to fight their decision would be summarily ignored, so neither of us even tried. I think it was a tremendous boost to Talia's self-confidence, and very humbling for both of us. It pretty much killed any thoughts I might have had of trying to get back out into the field, so to speak. I'll make myself content to be a glorified desk jockey in charge of the station, especially if it means I can see that beautiful smile on Talia's face whenever she holds David.

I can't wait until she gets out of the shower, so I can give her my other gift. In light of the godparents thing, it seems even more appropriate now. I only hope she likes it, and that it doesn't cause her to take a turn for the worst.

 _Clarification from Talia: Susan and Delenn were so very devious in their secret planning of that surprise party for me. I kind of suspected they might be planning something, but both were very tightlipped, so to speak, and I couldn't get any information out of them about it. I'm still grateful that it wasn't some big affair with a lot of other people involved, but I don't think they'd have planned such a thing anyway. None of us is really into that sort of thing._

 _Receiving that book from John, knowing the reason he got it for me, touched me in a way that I still have trouble articulating. I'm still fighting some of the things drilled into me by Psi Corps when I was growing up, and getting close to people is something I will probably struggle with until the day I die. Psi Corps does things to people, and makes them fear anyone associated with the organization. It's a big part of the reason I chose to do away with those damnable black gloves I'd always worn while part of Psi Corps. Oh, I still wear gloves on occasion to help shield myself from casual contact, but never anything like those gloves._

 _When Delenn told us about being David's godparents, I wanted to refuse. I loved -- and still love -- that little boy so very much, but that was a huge commitment that I wasn't sure I was ready to make yet. And I had no idea how Susan felt about it either. But I'm glad neither of us hesitated in agreeing to these new roles in our lives. David has been so integral to my ability to begin healing my life, repairing all of those millions of little fragments of my shattered psyche._

 _But it was Susan's final gift that night that thoroughly stunned me. I'd always suspected there was a hidden romantic streak beneath that gruff, sarcastic exterior of hers; I'm delighted to have been proven right. She had thirty-three red roses in a vase next to the bed when I came out of the shower that night, candlelight bathing the room in its golden glow, and a bottle of champagne chilling. She fed me decadent chocolates between sips of champagne and tender kisses that made me feel like no one else in the entire universe existed for her in those precious moments. I don't think anyone else could have torn her away from me, not even a station- wide disaster. It was just the two of us, and the love between us._

 _Once I'd gotten full on the exotic treats, she placed a small box in my hands. I could feel her anxiety and sudden shyness at the sight of it, but didn't hesitate to open it at her encouragement. Within the box, in a velvety bed of the deepest blue, lay a band of braided gold and silver, topped by a small star sapphire so deeply blue as to be nearly black in color, like the starscape we lived in._

 _"It's a promise," she said in a soft voice, "that I am not going to leave you, not unless you and Jason both tell me to. I love you, Talia, and I don't ever want to live another minute without you in my life."_

 _Of course, I accepted her promise and her ring. I'd have to be an idiot to do otherwise. She slipped the ring on my finger, there for all to see the love we shared. We talked briefly about when we might make our commitment more legally permanent, and made love well into the early hours of morning. It was the best birthday I'd had in a very long time, perhaps my entire life._


	14. 24 July 2263

24 July 2263

she could have killed me,  
mistaken me for Control.  
it would have killed her,  
but she would have, if need be,  
to save us all from Control.

The nightmares came again last night. It's been a while now since she last had one that spooked her as bad as they did this time. They've mostly disappeared ever since David was born. I don't care why though, just that they stay away. Talia's gotten so much better recently. She's still having issues, don't get me wrong, but they're not nearly as widely swung across the spectrum of her emotions now. I credit that little boy for so much of her recovery, even as it makes me jealous as hell that _I_ can't be the one to cause that much loyalty and desire for recovery in her.

Why am I not good enough to make Talia want to get better? What am _I_ doing wrong in our relationship that she'll put all of her energy into getting better for a baby instead of the woman she professes to love with all of her heart? What does he have that I don't? It's bad enough that I have to share her with Jason for the rest of our lives. Now I have to share her with David and his parents, too? Am I ever going to have a chance to have Talia all to myself? Or am I destined to be number three in her list of priorities?

That's not fair of me to say that. Not to David, not to Jason, and not to Talia. It shouldn't matter where I am on her list of priorities, as long as I'm on the list. Talia loves me, I know she loves me. I can feel it in every kiss, every touch, every brush of her thoughts against my shields. Talia loves me, and I love her in return. That love, and her recovery, should be all that matters. Me being jealous of David and Jason is just wasting energy that should be put to better use by supporting Talia.

I don't care what reasons Talia has for getting better. I only care that she gets better. She is becoming more and more like the woman I first fell in love with, but with such subtle differences.

 _Clarification from Talia: It hurts to read this, to know that Susan felt this way. She did confess to these feelings at the time, but it still hits pretty hard to know she felt this way. And yet, I can completely understand_ why _she felt like that. I will never be separated from Jason, not that either of us knows of. David and I have a special bond that has been integral to my road to mental and emotional stability. It probably is similar to the bond that I share with Susan in its immediacy, but its intimacy is vastly different. I wouldn't have it any other way. Susan was and still is my primary relationship, despite how it may have looked over the years. I don't want to share my life with anyone else. Hopefully, I've been able to get that across to Susan over the years._


	15. 10 August 2263

10 August 2263

deep into the night  
thoughts come unbidden and dark  
jason aims to soothe  
susan cannot know of them  
they are far too dangerous

When Talia wrote this particular sanity snippet earlier today, she and I were having lunch at the cafe. It is a rare treat that we can get away for a long, leisurely lunch in public like this, and we jumped at the chance. She was telling me about some new breakthroughs she had in her session with Robin this morning, and just pulled out paper and pen from her bag to jot down this poem. She didn't stop talking for the moment or two it took her to write it out, her voice still animated and upbeat. When she finished, she set the pen down and pushed the paper across the table to me.

Curious about the sentiments it entailed, I reached across the table to grab her hand. She stopped mid-word and blinked before offering me a sad smile. "We'll talk about it tonight," she said, reinforcing that promise telepathically. In a rare instance, Jason backed up her promise to discuss it once we were back in our quarters.

To say that the rest of my day went far too slowly is an understatement, right? The fact that I was forced to deal with yet another boring meeting that seemed to go on forever was not helping matters at all. I will fully and freely admit here that my mind wandered far more than it probably should have during that meeting. I kept trying to figure out if I'd ever noticed Talia acting more strangely than normal to cover for bad dreams or nightmares. Not that I'm one to talk in the hiding nightmares category, but that's different.

Talia greeted me at the door with a broad, unfettered smile and a kiss to curl my toes, before sending me off to shower and change. Delenn had chosen to take David to Earth for the first time earlier this week, and it has been odd not sharing dinners with her. But at the same time, I've enjoyed having Talia all to myself. My shower was over in record time, and I didn't even bother to change out of my robe. Why bother? We weren't going to go anywhere.

Dinner was a quiet affair, just the two of us eating the salads Talia made. The Riesling she chose was crisp and complemented the fruit in the salad perfectly. While I took care of the dishes after dinner, Talia went to take her own shower, returning in her robe. We curled up together on the couch, and she began to explain why she doesn't always tell me when the bad thoughts come back. It was both enlightening and disheartening to know just how often those dark thoughts plague her. But I also remember how much trouble I had when both my mother and brother died. It took me years to get over the depressing desire to slide into oblivion rather than deal with their losses. But eventually they lessened, just as I know they will for Talia. And she's got something that I didn't have: a lover who will support her every single step of the way, no matter what.

She's cleaning up the wine bottles and glasses before bed while I write this entry. I am quite sure there will be more talking in bed, as well as making love. We need it tonight, need to feel that bond we share.

 _Clarification from Talia: It was time to explain things to Susan. I'd been worrying over Susan's confession about her jealousy from a couple weeks prior, and Robin finally got that out of me. We talked a lot about honesty and unity in my recovery, and it finally just clicked into place that day as I wrote that poem. Jason did eventually admit to me that he may have had a hand in subtly influencing me to write it and give it to Susan like I did. As much as I'd wanted to be mad at him for doing it, I couldn't help but be grateful that it was finally out in the open._

 _We talked long into the night that night, nothing was off limits. We talked about her nightmares, the ones that still popped up from time to time, and my nightmares and dark thoughts. We even talked about doing a few joint sessions with Robin, if only to make Susan feel more a part of my healing. There were tears and laughter, as there should be, and eventually we exhausted ourselves and a second bottle of that Riesling. And when we went to bed that night, our lovemaking was more intimate, more emotionally bonded than before. We both cried ourselves to sleep, bodies entwined until one might think we were one person._


	16. 30 August 2263

30 August 2263

tell me of the tale  
the princess saved by her love  
fears all abated  
never to darken her dreams  
love is just an illusion

Birthdays are always a tricky thing for me. I don't much care to celebrate them. They usually remind me of the people no longer in my life, and that's not something I like to celebrate. But it's different now with Talia. She's been looking forward to this for a while now, since we never really got the chance to celebrate my birthday as a couple before…

Amusingly enough, and probably planned in advance by my beloved and our extended family, John and Delenn brought David back to _Babylon 5_ from Earth yesterday. They actually dragged Garibaldi's ass back with them this time. It was good to see him, despite the obvious discomfort he was trying to hide around Talia. He and John treated me to several drinks while Talia and Delenn prepared our quarters for the birthday party I knew was coming. I played dumb, of course, even if they all knew I was faking it. Garibaldi mentioned that he'd begun seeing a lovely young woman back on Earth, that he thought she might be "the one" for him. For his sake, I hope she is. He deserves love and happiness, too.

My birthday dinner was wonderful, filled with laughter and good memories. Talia even got Garibaldi to smile over some of the old stories from before that fateful day we all avoided like the pink elephant lumbering about the room. Then again, liberal amounts of vodka and scotch can do wonders in that department, too.

The gifts were lovely. Even now, an hour after everyone finally left for the night, the only gift I can honestly remember is the one from Talia. She managed to track down a pair of star sapphires to match the one in her ring, had them made into a pair of earrings for me to wear. She said that she knew I'm not one for rings, and thought I'd be more inclined to wear the earrings.

Do I even have to mention that my diamonds have been replaced for good? In fact, Talia's now wearing the diamond studs I've worn for more years than I care to count.

I dare say that this is perhaps the best birthday I've ever had. No, my blood family wasn't here to celebrate with me, but my chosen family -- my friends -- were here to make it more special, especially with Talia back in my life. May this be the first of many good birthdays to remember when I'm old and senile.

 _Clarification from Talia: Oh, I knew the whole time that Susan was pretending innocence over knowledge of the party. But even Michael Garibaldi's presence was a surprise to me. That was all John and Delenn's doing. Yes, it was a bit uncomfortable, considering how he'd once felt about me, but I'm glad we were able to set that aside for a few hours to make Susan's birthday a good one. He went back to Earth the next day with John, but I had managed to finagle a promise out of him to come visit again, so we could talk. I would never presume to get in the way of his longstanding friendship with Susan._

 _The earrings… Susan is still wearing those earrings to this day. I still can't believe I managed to find two matches to the stone in my ring, particularly because I didn't know where she'd gotten that stone in the first place. Then again, using the same jeweler should have made it obvious to get something similar, right? I wanted to give Susan something for her birthday like the ring she'd given me on mine. Going with earrings just seemed to be the logical way to offer her the same promise she'd offered me two months earlier._

 _The funny thing about that sanity snippet? Even then, when I wrote it, I didn't believe that love is just an illusion. And yet, a part of me feared that this was all just a dream. Sometimes I still feel that way… And when I do, I just take a look at Susan, feel the love she feels for me emanating from her like waves of heat, and I remember that I'm living the dream. If this really is just a dream, I hope I never wake up from it. I'd sooner die than lose this love I've found._


	17. 24 September 2263

24 September 2263

susan and jason  
two halves of my sanity  
without them i'd die  
drowned by all the memories  
no fight left without their love

"I want to have a baby."

Talia greeted me with these words this evening when I came back to our quarters after a long and strange day. I was supposed to have the day off, because of its significance for us, but God forbid that _Babylon 5_ run smoothly for one day, so I can spend it with my beloved Talia. Particularly if that day is the one year anniversary of the defeat of Control, and Talia's permanent re-entry into my life. John wanted to be here to celebrate with us, at least for a little while, but apparently the Interstellar Alliance can't stop for a single day either so that its president can spend a quiet day of reflection and celebration with two of his closest friends. He's already promised that he'll buy us dinner the next time he gets back to _Babylon 5_ , or the next time we find ourselves on Earth.

But back to that baby comment… Talia didn't actually say it the minute I walked in the door. She did greet me at the door with a heady kiss that promised oh so much for later on in the evening, then shooed me off to take a shower and "get out of that damned uniform" that feels too much like a second skin sometimes. When I got out of the shower, she had already set out clothes for me. It took a moment to realize it was the same outfit I'd worn one year ago when so much was waiting for a simple one word answer.

I won't deny feeling a bit of trepidation as I headed back into the living room, memories of what could have happened in these very quarters replaying in the back of my mind. I could see everything so clearly for just a moment: the bare walls, the suitcases sitting to the side, the door that would open onto my fate, my future. It got to be too much, and I sank onto the couch to keep from passing out on the floor. Talia was there at my side instantly, holding me close and murmuring reassurances. How many times had our positions been reversed over the last year?

The tears came then, hard and fast, taking my breath away in their ferocity. I don't remember if I said anything, and I certainly can't remember any of the things she said to me in those long moments of "what if" feedback loops. I only know that eventually the tears and the rollercoaster ride stopped, and I was safe in Talia's arms, where I needed to be. When I was calm enough to release my death grip on her, Talia made sure that a bottle of vodka and a pair of glasses were on the table in front of me.

We toasted the turning of a full year together, for better and for worse. The vodka actually burned going down my throat, testament to just how off-balance I'd been, but I wisely put the bottle away after that single glass. In hindsight, I'm glad I did; I wouldn't have appreciated what happened tonight nearly as much if I'd been drunk.

Dinner was simple and quiet, filled with a comfortable silence that I've come to treasure. In fact, the last time I felt this particular sensation was that single night we shared before this whole journey began against our will almost three years ago. It wasn't until we were cleaning up after dinner that I finally asked her about the strange emotions I was feeling across our bond, so hopeful and bittersweet. She sat me down on the couch again and stared at her ring for a long moment; and I had to fight the panic that she might be reconsidering our relationship.

"I know we haven't really talked about this before, even if we've both been thinking about it, but I think it's time to start talking about it now," she said, then paused to take a deep breath. "Susan, I want to have a baby, your baby, _our_ baby."

I don't think I could love her more than I do this very moment, and I thank God that my mother taught me all of those old fairy tales about how the princess found her true love. I have my princess, my one true love, and I never want to lose her again.

 _Clarification from Talia: I honestly never expected that I'd be the strong one that night, but it makes sense now. For two and a half years, Susan thought I was dead and gone, another six months passed during which she wasn't sure she'd get me back or not, and then she had to be the strong one for me for a year while I slowly began the journey back into myself. Susan's always been so strong, and seeing her breaking down at the memories of what might have happened was sobering and terrifying. It was also incredibly profound for me to see her like that, to see again just what she'd been willing to do if necessary. I don't think I'd ever been more in love with her than at that very moment of seeing her so vulnerable and afraid._

 _I will admit that I'd been thinking about having a child for a few months by that first anniversary of ours. Yes, David had a lot to do with those thoughts, I wouldn't dream of saying otherwise, but he wasn't the only reason. Knowing now what I didn't know then about Delenn's machinations regarding myself and her son, a child of my own -- of our own -- was the logical next step. I was more concerned with sharing that bond of motherhood with Susan than making our commitment to each other more formalized. I knew that it would take some time for us to work out the details of how we would proceed with having a child, not to mention getting me pregnant in the first place, so I felt comfortable in starting to talk about it when I did. We both still had a number of years before we'd be too old to start having children. I also knew that Susan was just too busy with_ Babylon 5 _to consider getting pregnant herself. I had no compunctions with it myself; in fact, after being involved with Delenn's pregnancy, I was more than looking forward to going through my own._

 _When Susan told me about fearing my desire to end our relationship, I held her even tighter than I had when she was having her own traumatic flashbacks earlier in the evening. I'd sooner die than ever be parted from her again, and that feeling has only grown stronger over the years we've been together. I love Sophie and David dearly, but I would die without Susan. It's really that simple. She is my anchor, my love, my life. I would be nothing without her. If I hadn't thought there might be a chance with Susan again, I would have died within my own head, and I'd have taken Jason with me. Jason is a lifeline, yes, but Susan is my life. There is no other way to say it._

 _I will spend the rest of my life grateful to this woman for never fully giving up on the dream of a life together. I will never take her or her love for granted. I will always treasure this second chance we were given, no matter how tenuous it may have been at times. I'd never been one to fall for the concepts of a grand romance or fate, and then I was given a second chance with Susan. I'm now a firm believer in both._

 _Things can only get better for us from here…_


	18. Afterward

Afterward

I was privileged to know both General Ivanova and her lifemate Talia Winters for over fifty years before they both succumbed to the ravages of old age among the humans. Upon her return from the heinous clutches of Alfred Bester's abomination known as Control, Talia and I spent many long hours talking about so many more subjects that I can clearly recall at this exact moment in time. She became such an integral part in the progression of my first pregnancy, and I would not have been able to give birth to my son David without her telepathically calming projections during the delivery. She became a second mother to my children, particularly David. To this day, he jokes that he could feel her presence in the womb, and would sometimes forget that she wasn't his birth mother.

Susan and Talia faced some of the greatest diversity a couple could ever face, and beat the odds when they should have lost at some point. Theirs is a love story to remember for the ages. This is why I agreed to honor Susan's wishes about publishing this book after Talia's death. Because of the sensitivity of the information in this book, and the revelations of their relationship, I had chosen to wait until Susan had also passed from this mortal life before coming forward with this. It seemed only fitting to let their story be told without any potential embarrassment on their parts over such sensitive and private feelings.

Upon rereading these words written so many years ago, I am reminded of the depth of their feelings for each other. It is little surprise to me that they passed away within hours of each other. Once they'd been reunited, nothing would separate them again until Talia's death mere months ago. Sophie tells me that she found her mothers curled together in the bed they shared for more years that she's been alive, serene smiles on their faces that their struggles were finally over.

Would that we all could end our days in that same manner.

While I know they would be terribly embarrassed by the knowledge that other people have read the words in this book, I also know that both Susan and Talia would be happy to know that their story offered even a kernel of insight into the struggles they overcame to live a long and happy life together.

Wherever your spirits reside, my friends, may you never be separated again. And if you should see John, remind him that I still love and miss him after all these years.

Delenn Sheridan,  
Former President of Earth,  
25 March 2318


End file.
